1. Always
whine and complain: about stuff that is out of your control. Great
examples are the weather, other people’s actions and the housing market. Don’t
ever miss an opportunity to remind people that life is much worse and much
harder than they think it is. Then drive home your point by giving them a long
list of examples of stuff that is wrong with the world.
2. Keep
up to date on celebrity culture: We all know that celebrities lead
charmed, perfect lives. They don’t ever get sick; they have lots of money and
are all perfectly balanced human beings. Read up on them, yearn to be them and
above all idolize them as the gods they are. Never forget that your life is a
meaningless travesty compared to theirs.
3. Judge
others: Don’t listen to people that say you can’t judge a book by a
cover. You haven’t got time to read books so how else are you supposed to make
up your mind than glancing at the cover? If they are fat then they eat too
much, if they smoke they are stupid and if they are out of work then it’s
obvious they’re lazy. Never stop your judgement!
4. Keep
updated on local news: Make sure you know who has murdered whom and
more importantly, which drug-crazed lunatic is on the rampage in your
neighborhood. Don’t go to bed feeling cheerful when you can watch stories about
the worsening economy, rising crime rates and foot tapping politicians hanging
around in public bathrooms.
5. Eat
junk food, drink lots of beer and never exercise: Fresh fruit and
vegetables are of no use. Have 10 beers a night and an 18″ pizza. Always stick
to your guns and ignore those fitness fascists like the plague. After all, if
you get fit you have to stay fit and that requires time, time that you need to
watch TV.
6. Watch
more TV: If you are watching 8 hours per day that’s not enough, edge
it up a bit. Aim for a diet of reality TV, local news, soap operas and anything
that humiliates people. Avoid programmes that are remotely informative like the
plague, so PBS and anything on the BBC is right out, and anyway they’re
probably run by commies.
7. Refuse
to see other people’s point of view: If you have an opinion, stick to
it. You’ve spent years fine-tuning your belief system so hang on to it for grim
death. Nobody likes a fickle, weak-willed, flip-flopper. Even if you realize
you are wrong, bat on regardless and look confident. If that doesn’t work,
shout a lot.
8. Catastrophize:
You haven’t had a bad day at work you’ve had a nightmare. You haven’t been sick
you have been violently sick. You haven’t got a tough boss; you’ve got the boss
from hell. Get the message? If something is worth feeling bad about then it’s
worth feeling really, really bad about. Never use expressions like “It’s not so
bad” or “There was a silver lining” They will only serve to lessen the impact
of negative events and we need to ramp them up. When you get really skilled at
this you can slip phrases like “I was violently sick and my boss from hell made
my day an absolutely nightmare” into any conversation with aplomb.
9. Waste
time e-mailing people to complain about stuff that’s nothing to do with you:
Don’t read a book or do some work, don’t even relax. Get on your computer and
look for something that you can feel indignant about. Get your blood pressure
and heart rate up and then shoot off a scathing e-mail. Celebrate with a
cigarette, a double espresso and a small heart attack.
10. Play
the lottery: You know you’ll never have much money as things are; so
base your future plans on the 1 in 100 million possibility that you can win the
big one. If you normally spend $5 per week don’t forget to increase that to $25
when there is a rollover. At the end of the year, add it all up and ponder what
you could have bought with the $1000 or so you wasted. Better still; ask a
financial expert how much that money would have worth been in 10 years time if
invested properly.
11. Find
out what people are after: If somebody compliments you on something you
need to find out what they’re after. They couldn’t possible be genuine they are
trying to manipulate you, don’t rest until you find out what it is. Try, try
and try again said Robert The Bruce. Well yeh, great advice if you’re a spider
Bob. Spiders only have one thing to do and that’s, spin webs. You have billions
of things to do so if something gets tough, quit on it and move onto something that gives immediate
gratification.
Hopefully now you know some great ways to make you even more miserable than
you were before, good luck with your endeavors!! I guess some people reading
this would prefer to be happy and for those sorry souls I suppose you could do
just the opposite. The choice is yours.
Source: Tim Brownson
Source: Tim Brownson