People who put you down are hurt themselves. The first thing to know is that a happy, self confident, person does not put others down. They might provide constructive criticism but they won’t put others down. This tells you a lot about the person who criticizes you. Some people are very negative about others because:
- they need to make themselves feel like they're in control or more powerful or to cover up their own insecurities
- they have experienced a trauma of their own in the past and they don’t know how to deal with the pain so they'll hurt others as a defense mechanism.
People’s tirades against you will probably reveal to you just how unhappy and disillusioned and frustrated that person is with life, and that's their problem, not yours. Knowing this can go a long way to being able to detach from the comments. If you know it has more to do with the person making the comments than about you, it makes it far easier not feel hurt by what’s been said.
Emotionally detaching from a person like this can be hard to do but you need to refuse to become involved. That person wants you to feel badly about yourself. Don’t give them that power. It’s all those comments and comebacks you think of later that you wished you’d said to the person at the time. But, really, it’s no use sinking to that person’s level. That’s what they want. They want to get a reaction out of you, they want you to feel bad and their intent quite likely was to hurt you. So, by responding with similar put downs against them really only plays into their plan and ends up hurting yourself. You also don’t want to end up with regrets later over what you said in anger. So, what can you say? Try one of the following:
Thank you for your opinion
A response which will throw most criticizers off is to simply say, “Thank you for your opinion” and then just leave it at that. This effectively ends the conversation. They’re waiting for you to respond with anger or a comeback of your own and when you don’t, there’s nothing left for them to say.
When you feel that someone is attacking you can say to them:
“Thank you for your ‘gift’ - but I think you should keep it.”
Or
“That’s very generous of you but I can’t accept that.”
With this comment, it's a reminder to people how powerful their words are and that they should be more aware of what they're saying. Words can be used for good or evil and people tend to forget how damaging their words can be against someone's self esteem. It's also a reminder to you that it’s their anger not yours. You don’t need to take on someone else’s burden. They need to deal with their anger. They may want you to accept their hatred and anger as your own, but it’s really a “gift” that you don't need. If you take their comments to heart and let them fester inside of you then you've taken on their anger. Just let it go. You don't need it.
Thank You, You May Be Right
If a comment makes you feel defensive then that’s a clue that you need to look inside yourself and see why the comment bothers you so much. This could be like receiving a great gift because you’ve discovered an area within that needs healing. A person can't hurt you unless you let it. It's just a comment. It's your reaction to the words that's the most important thing to look at. So you could try honestly looking at yourself to see why that person believes that particular comment is true. Are there things you could change? Can you see times when that comment is true about you?
Also, can you figure out why this particular comment bothers you so much? It’s your reaction which will teach you the most about yourself. It's about you and not the other person in this case.
Source article by: Catherine Pratt - life with confidence