One of the greatest challenges on the path to greater pleasure, joy, and happiness is mastering expectations. There is a great deal of confusion about what expectations really are, how to use them, and above all how not to be hurt by them. As the two quotes below demonstrate, very thoughtful people can have quite contrary views on this everyday experience.
High expectations are the key to everything.
- Sam Walton
Expectation is the root of all heartache.
- William Shakespeare
Expectations are very curious creatures. We create them all the time but once created they take on a life of their own. We expect that when we are driving, the road will continue over the hill, we expect that the food in the supermarket won't make us sick, we expect our parents, family and friends to tell us the truth. And most of the time we get what we expect. But every now and again something very different happens from what we expect and it shocks us. How could he/she/they/it do this to me? This isn't what I expected at all! It's as though there has been a breach of contract, an unspoken deal has been broken. We get upset as though we have been personally attacked.
Expectations are not future reality. They are not contracts with the Universe. They are not something outside of us that is a part of nature. They are simply beliefs we have accepted about the future. Very often our expectations are based on what we think are probable outcomes, on the projection of patterns we see, or simply on the basis of hope. Sometimes we base our expectations on what other people have said or what we thought they said. Or our expectations are based on meanings we have created to make sense of our immediate world. But, however they come to be, we are the ones who create them.
Whether consciously or not we choose these beliefs and they are our creation. And like Frankenstein's monster they can lead to unpredictable, and perhaps, disastrous results when we are not fully conscious of our creations. For instance, perhaps I love my son so much that I want him to do well in school so that he can go on to a good college. As I envision his great success in life, I create an expectation that he will study hard and get good grades. However, if he should find that what he really wants to do is spend his time surfing and hanging with his friends, I may well be very disappointed. I might be so disappointed that I withhold love to a large degree to show my disappointment and in so doing poison my relationship with the son I love so.
Author and Source: Stewart Blackburn