Pushy stage parents have been around since the dawn of Hollywood but today the definition of “stage parent” extends beyond traditional acting scenarios to encompass overly driven sports parents, child pageant moms and any obsessed adult involved in a child’s activities. The idea that the parent lives vicariously through a child’s performance in an activity is coined “Achievement by Proxy.” (ABP).
Normally, ABP is a healthy, enthusiastic support of a child’s performance in an activity that brings pride to the parent or other adult, like a coach or mentor. However, ABP can warp into the pathological Achievement by Proxy Distortion (ABPD), in which a child is placed in a potentially exploitative situation in order for the adult to reap social or financial benefits. There are four stages of ABPD:
Stage I: Risky Sacrifice: In this stage the adult loses the ability to differentiate his own needs for success from the child’s developmental needs and goals. The parent will take an extra job, mortgage the house or move to support the child’s activity or talent. This puts pressure on the child to perform since mom and/or dad has invested in them.
Stage II: Objectification. In this stage, there is moderate loss of the adult’s ability to differentiate their needs from the child’s. The child becomes an object rather than a person and thus, pressure on the child to perform to earn money, fame or success is amplified. Excessive focus on the sport or activity isolates the child from social interactions. Winning at all cost is the mantra.
Normally, ABP is a healthy, enthusiastic support of a child’s performance in an activity that brings pride to the parent or other adult, like a coach or mentor. However, ABP can warp into the pathological Achievement by Proxy Distortion (ABPD), in which a child is placed in a potentially exploitative situation in order for the adult to reap social or financial benefits. There are four stages of ABPD:
Stage I: Risky Sacrifice: In this stage the adult loses the ability to differentiate his own needs for success from the child’s developmental needs and goals. The parent will take an extra job, mortgage the house or move to support the child’s activity or talent. This puts pressure on the child to perform since mom and/or dad has invested in them.
Stage II: Objectification. In this stage, there is moderate loss of the adult’s ability to differentiate their needs from the child’s. The child becomes an object rather than a person and thus, pressure on the child to perform to earn money, fame or success is amplified. Excessive focus on the sport or activity isolates the child from social interactions. Winning at all cost is the mantra.
Stage III: Potential Abuse: In this stage, there is a severe or complete loss of the adult’s ability to distinguish their needs for success and achievement from the child’s. The child is completely objectified and goals are pursued without regard to short and long term potential physical and emotional damage. Playing or performing despite a severe injury; failing to report sexual abuse by an involved adult for fear of reprisals; and/or displaying the child in a sexually explicit manner are some examples.
Stage IV: Distinct Abuse: This stage occurs when the ability to differentiate adult needs from those of the child leads to damaging behaviors toward the child that have a life threatening impact and/or can cause severe lifelong emotional or physical scars. Physical abuse at this level may include encouraging the child to take physical risks to perform an activity, physically hitting the child as a threat to perform and/or use of drugs to maintain a particular appearance. Eg: giving a child diet pills. Emotional abuse includes verbal lashings in an attempt to improve the child’s performance. Sexual abuse involves the adult using sexual coercion to maintain power and control over the child.
Author and Credits: Martina M. Cartwright